somehow, somehow, this year's been a real flop for me? i really, umm, really... sigh. i really think the life i had last year raised my standards for this year even higher. and obviously, it failed? i feel super messed up, and... sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
somehow i really like to question, is the world just about results? why does being smart give you an edge over other things? i love 203, and it's been a really STUNNING experience having such wonderful friends, but somehow i think my confidence level has dropped to almost zero in 203; yep, the only bad thing. bit by bit, my self esteem wavers, and sometimes i feel that it had really flown off. **POOF** why am i in a world with so much competition? maybe it's just myself really, but.. i don't know... maybe im just going through this REALLY confused period of my life. this really really mind boggling period, where i think and think, and sometimes just think too much. nowadays i ask myself what i'm good at, and when i pause to think, no answer comes to my mind. i no longer have an edge. not in terms of other things, but yes, subjects. my grades are PLUMMENTING. down, down down it goes! haha, sometimes i really used "busy" as a self consolation. with the prep of hatful of stars during the mar hols which totally messed my whole schedule up, OM singapore, with getting used to two ccas, psl stuff, with coping with the heaps and heaps of proj work and assignments. juggling, juggling, and when you come to a point where you can't even say you're studying, cos in actual fact, you're just completing your assignments and meeting for projects and completing proposals and grasping every single sec and minute to prevent your pupils from sinking into your sockets. SIGH! i wonder where my life has gone. and sometimes i tell myself to just throw everything aside and HAVE A LIFE! but when i really want to do so, i feel so guilty. how can i not use my time wisely, to catch up?
but yes, on the contrary, i know i don't wanna be too free. this year has been... not an awakening year like last year, but i year iguess, of more maturing? experiences, that's what i'm going through. experiencing failures, disappointments in work and ________________________. probably this year of 2008 is just for teaching me how to cope with the 'downs', to learn to not hope for too much, to learn to accept what i have.
was in the bus just now, at the bus stop, was staring into space day dreaming, thinking. nearly missed my bus twice. haha. and when i was in deep thought in the bus. i saw this man staring and me with this really 'se' look. he was smiling like he was crazy. showing his black crooked teeth. smilling to me, or himself? it then hit me suddenly how lucky i am to be able to think straight, have friends, have a family, and have a roof over my head. HAHA as i said, more of a 'philosophical' year.
so face it shiyan!
you'd just have to try harder. <3
here comes tuition! --- prob the only thing that made me exceed my own expectations in '06.
Together. 6:32 PM
