guess i should blog before i start my heap of work.
i guess anyone who knows what i'm going through now would realise that my 'happiness' these days comes from my inner self knowing that i'm successfully escaping reality. i'm not truly happy. this thing bugs my heart, my mind, my soul ALL THE TIME. it creeps and sometimes it decides to capture your attention; so it activates: then your tear ducts are exercised. i finally know why people actually torture themselves to make them feel better. don't worry i don't do that. but it IS the truth. it's human nature to hurt oneself when one is feeling crappy. disappointed. troubled. insecure. i feel that i've been thrown into this DEEP DEEP hole. where i can see nothing. and i don't know who pushed me in. people tell me why but i don't understand HOW i actually fell in. to me it doesn't make sense that i've been made to fall into this hole. this DEEP DEEP dark and eerie hole. i'm trying to crawl out slowly, but i can't. i'm so tired. i'm so tired of this emptiness, this solitude, this feeling of suffering alone (though i know yes, you understand). i feel like giving up, though my heart still holds on to this thin line; this unwillingness to let go. i know i still can't get over the whys. and hows. WHY did things end up this way, HOW did it end up this way? i can't make myself believe the reason. ireally really really can't. is it my ego? or well, i feel unjustified. i wish, really wish i could know what exactly happened among
them. i know that if i really want it, i would have to react by tomorrow. but i can't come to a decision. not many people have chosen that road before. it feels... ahh well. :/
well this really reminds me of the poem by Robert Frost "the road not taken"
should i tell my family members? my.. my
sister? but i'm so afraid. so afraid that if i do, that thin line of hope that i'm still holding on to would disappear. would i feel even worse. i don't like to start crying over this. but somehow, i feel that this wouldn't be so much of a disappointment if it hadn't been ___ who inspired me. let me emphasise. i only want to be given a
chance. just a chance. then even if i fail it, i know i only have got myself to blame. this sucks. it really really really does. i know there are more people out there who are much less fortunate than me. maybe it's just me, just me that i expect too much from myself? just me that i would like to shine in this, and that?
i've thought about it. if this really turns out how i don't want it to be, i'll strive for excellence else where to make full use of myself. i'll turn to excel in cca. i'll turn to be involved in more CIP. i'll take up dance outside; ballet or something. keep myself busy and excel elsewhere. this shouldn't be my life should it? i shouldn't let it affect me. maybe someone is trying to tell me that shiyan, this is not the best place for you. there is somewhere else. you'd just have to wait. but at this point of time. i'm really self-doubtful. to me, i feel that i've been thrown this statement of " you aren't good enough, you don't make an impression" many many times. i find it really hard to believe. why do other get it, when they to me... ahh i can't say it.
Urghh this is overbearing. but i think my ____ would get to know about this thing soon. i'm not doing this for ____, but rather, _____ has indirectly raised the standards of myself. i've learnt that you should really not say too much hopeful things about a person. she raises the standard of how she perceives herself. if you weren't such an ____ ______, i probably wouldn't have these expectations of myself.
but i do really need to thank you... for i wouldn't have realised THIS side of me. i never knew i could be such a person. i never knew i could stand in front of so many people confidently and ___ ___ ___. perhaps sec one had been too great a year. perhaps it had been a year where i really realised too many new things about myself. perhaps...
my tears are dried.
Together. 8:13 PM
