i'm a grumpy old hag at home. my attitude worsened ever since i've moved on to sec school. got scolded like crap again by my mum in the morning. almost burst into tears but oh well luckily it was time to get out of the car so it was easier to stop. jo and steph asked me why my eyes were wet. ahaha, and of course my and my wonderful ability to lie. sigh, i know i'm wrong, and i swear i'm trying to change, but... it's really hard to. and it's really really really, not me to talk about school stuff. ask me to gossip about other things. to me i'm always escaping from reality. i escape from topics that make me feel sad and disappointed. and i don't like probing. i hate to repeat myself all over again and hearing the same things all the time. maybe it's just me, just me that i find no way in confiding in my _______. i feel super bad, especially these few weeks, my mood is like ___________. worse than worse. i can't open up to telling about what i'm doing in school, what it really is about, why the hell i'm doing it and how i'm coping. they're topics i like to escape. to me, haven't i been in school for tooo long? why can't i just get some time off talking about school stuff? i don't like recounting. to me, MOVE ON! i feel really bad, and i KNOW it's my fault. i'm well aware of that. i DO reflect all the time. i take in critism and i swear i know where i'm at fault. so i think i've just got to finish this rebellious stage of mine. RAWR. and i know i'm disappointing them, sometimes even making them worried. maybe it's my pride or whatever. maybe. LOL i think i've got a great big ego that doesn't surface.

ROAR. it feels so mean to take it out on them. it feels so bad to carry my stress home.guess i'm a just a different person. in comparison, i'm way way way off.

i'm not perfect, so please, give me time to change.






(ROAR i didn't want to post about sad things. but yes blogs are meant to be a medium where you can express your real feelings, isn't it?)

Together. 2:41 PM

urgh. now i'm not sure if i did the right thing. >.< if it's gonna be awkward... .. . rawr. life is tough. i'm determined to forget about this this weekend. RAWR. ROAR. days are precious. we shouldn't waste it worrying. chuan dao qiao tou zi ran zhi right? sigh.. okay


POEMS >.< spent 5 hours on the poem Let America be America again NONSTOP. rawr we analyse like crazy till we even forgot what our initial focus was. brain juice SQUEEEEEEEZED dried.


shall escape for another day!

Together. 9:10 PM

guess i should blog before i start my heap of work.

i guess anyone who knows what i'm going through now would realise that my 'happiness' these days comes from my inner self knowing that i'm successfully escaping reality. i'm not truly happy. this thing bugs my heart, my mind, my soul ALL THE TIME. it creeps and sometimes it decides to capture your attention; so it activates: then your tear ducts are exercised. i finally know why people actually torture themselves to make them feel better. don't worry i don't do that. but it IS the truth. it's human nature to hurt oneself when one is feeling crappy. disappointed. troubled. insecure. i feel that i've been thrown into this DEEP DEEP hole. where i can see nothing. and i don't know who pushed me in. people tell me why but i don't understand HOW i actually fell in. to me it doesn't make sense that i've been made to fall into this hole. this DEEP DEEP dark and eerie hole. i'm trying to crawl out slowly, but i can't. i'm so tired. i'm so tired of this emptiness, this solitude, this feeling of suffering alone (though i know yes, you understand). i feel like giving up, though my heart still holds on to this thin line; this unwillingness to let go. i know i still can't get over the whys. and hows. WHY did things end up this way, HOW did it end up this way? i can't make myself believe the reason. ireally really really can't. is it my ego? or well, i feel unjustified. i wish, really wish i could know what exactly happened among them. i know that if i really want it, i would have to react by tomorrow. but i can't come to a decision. not many people have chosen that road before. it feels... ahh well. :/

well this really reminds me of the poem by Robert Frost "the road not taken"

should i tell my family members? my.. my sister? but i'm so afraid. so afraid that if i do, that thin line of hope that i'm still holding on to would disappear. would i feel even worse. i don't like to start crying over this. but somehow, i feel that this wouldn't be so much of a disappointment if it hadn't been ___ who inspired me. let me emphasise. i only want to be given a chance. just a chance. then even if i fail it, i know i only have got myself to blame. this sucks. it really really really does. i know there are more people out there who are much less fortunate than me. maybe it's just me, just me that i expect too much from myself? just me that i would like to shine in this, and that?

i've thought about it. if this really turns out how i don't want it to be, i'll strive for excellence else where to make full use of myself. i'll turn to excel in cca. i'll turn to be involved in more CIP. i'll take up dance outside; ballet or something. keep myself busy and excel elsewhere. this shouldn't be my life should it? i shouldn't let it affect me. maybe someone is trying to tell me that shiyan, this is not the best place for you. there is somewhere else. you'd just have to wait. but at this point of time. i'm really self-doubtful. to me, i feel that i've been thrown this statement of " you aren't good enough, you don't make an impression" many many times. i find it really hard to believe. why do other get it, when they to me... ahh i can't say it.

Urghh this is overbearing. but i think my ____ would get to know about this thing soon. i'm not doing this for ____, but rather, _____ has indirectly raised the standards of myself. i've learnt that you should really not say too much hopeful things about a person. she raises the standard of how she perceives herself. if you weren't such an ____ ______, i probably wouldn't have these expectations of myself.

but i do really need to thank you... for i wouldn't have realised THIS side of me. i never knew i could be such a person. i never knew i could stand in front of so many people confidently and ___ ___ ___. perhaps sec one had been too great a year. perhaps it had been a year where i really realised too many new things about myself. perhaps...


my tears are dried.

Together. 8:13 PM

don't cry shiyan. at least now you know.

well the outcome is what i've expected. but somehow i don't seem to see why. and how. but thanks ____ for saying that you'd be behind me all the way.. it's so different coming from an adult. thanks also Le Ting and Alicia (: you're great desk partners. fine i shall admit i'm disappointed. and it hurts even more now. somehow i wish i never knew. but i knew i'd regret if i didn't. finally let some tears go during chinese supp class. couldn't help it. too much to bear you can say. it's so difficult to keep it to yourself. i don't know who to talk to. i need you confidante. i know you'd understand. but talking wouldn't be of any help to the situation. and i've got to make a decision soon. if i was never in this situation i would never opt to do so. but now.. i'm torn. it seems... overestimating myself to do so. but i'll regret it if i don't.

it's so confusing. i expected and yet at the same time never expected this to be the reason. is it just fate, or an indication to me to buck up, to force me out of my quiet self during class? i didn't meet it. but many others did. why. have been asking myself that in ages. why why why? guess i'd never know, i'm too afraid to know.


turning the tap on

Together. 6:58 PM

you could see the magic, in my hatful of stars... in my hatful of stars...

i felt like crying every minute today. it's so painful. so piercing. i miss hatful of stars like crazy, and on top of the i have to face the reality i have been avoiding all these while during the preparation. it's so oppressive. it's so painful to fight back the tears that keep wanting to flow. the reality is killing me. i find it so hard to believe, so hard to bear. and why must you keep talking about. everywhere i go, i hear it, people ask me. they talk about it. they tell me about it. how i wish someone could just accomodate me and not tell me how afraid they are, how badly they thought they did. please. let me off. it's hard enough to bear.

i don't need it badly. and i won't feel bad if i am given a chance. then i would know that it would have been my fault if i failed. no one else is to blame. but why?

escapism.


fighting back tears.

Together. 8:22 PM

oh man i think i'm suffering from PPB-- post production blues! hatful of stars II is over! so sadd D: but it was a really really good show :D REALLY REALLY SUCCESSFUL ONE. and really really really memorable((: I LOVE NYMD! a lot a lot A LOT! it was super emotional though, when we did the warm ups before the matinee show. we were all crying like crazy. and it's so sad. cos it was mr raj's last day D: :'( sigh... but this production was a really great experience! i learnt SOOO MUCH. and i really really miss D'artistes people already! especially jaslyn my buddy :') she danced umbrella with me ((: i shall remember HATFUL OF STARS II for life! ((: really, it's was like BANG. and it's over. i love my seniors! they were so nice ((: i felt super super loved yest. and i knew all the seniors so much so much better! they're really nice ((: i feel like crying all over again! i already miss it sooo much :D and everyone said that they enjoyed it a lot ((: which makes me really happy! thanks for your support people! REALLY! <333333333333 i love everyone! NYMD <3333333333333333333333333333333333333333 woohoo ((: i love my cca. to bits! hahahahha. nymd! and it's so heartwarming that people can tell me which items they felt was nice :D haha whichmeans that the concert made an impact on them :D yay! hahaha((: i don't want this to end! how i wish i could turn back time. oh wells. PPB!



i shall love nymd forever and ever with all my heart <33

________________________________________________________________

well, i think it's sorta confirmed now. and i'm sorta scared that i have too much time to think now. it gets me all troubled and low :'( more time = more time to moan. oh well. why must everything be like that?


dance ^^

Together. 8:53 PM

the indirect confirmation.
this is driving me nuts
why keep me from knowing the reason
i'm burning to know why


i'm feeling insecure.
unjustified.
troubled.


my troubles never end.


if it's an error, why must this happen to me
if it's really this reason, WHY?


GAHHHHHHH this is driving me up the wall >.< AHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

i need the ocean.

Together. 11:18 PM

Haha have not blogged in AGES. many MANY things have happened really. Namely, OM singapore of course. :)

We got fifth. and we just realised today that we missed the third by only 0.4m. URGH. so irritating right. but anyway, we really, really, sincerely tried our best. it was our best performance. we tried really hard. and we did ourselves proud... we didn't forget our lines or anything. our membership sign didn't drop either! :D:D. we really put in our best in terms energy too :) shouted like crap cos i was already having sore throat cough and flu. when we came i out i couldn't even speek a sentence without speaking. haha. Let me say thank yous too! :D

THANK YOU....

to my dear OM grp members : sally pauline huihan Yan ni heng yeng and alicia :) without the effort put in by every single one of us, all these wouldn't have been possible! :D

to 203-ers. <333 size="1">we shall just leave it to fate to decide

Together. 7:31 PM

Argh i officially SCREWED my block tests. all my subjects totally sucked except for math -.-" sheeeessshhh. have not done so badly in a long nong nong time. sigh, realise i'm really not those type that can go for an exam without even remembering half of what i studied and still do well. i have to have the time to study everything. just me, can't do anything about it. wasn't given the time this time. so i shall use the time that i'm given for the next three terms to prepare myself((: block tests are horrid luh DD: how you expect us to study when you've got like 6 days of cca during the one week march hols. and on top of that OM. then wed jiu kao shi le. sucks lah D: i'm so vulgar oh well :/ i shall work harder the next term! :D which is now. but i currently haven't been cos i've been too caught up over production and OM. hahahahha. but i rather these memories then study study study ((: NYMD <3333 OM GROUP <33333 but i can't neglect my studies cos i've really been screwing up. quizzes, assignments. where to put my focus ?! i have no idea. D:

OM singapore
coming Friday
Saturday. GOSHHHHH i'm so scared. and i'm down with stupid FLUUUUUUUUUUUUUU. shit. and i'm spreading it to everyone! AHHH

Hatful of stars production
next sat.
I"M SO FREAKED. cos i think i'm not even prepared.

i shall go catch up with homework/assignments/ SIAs/ projects. i don't want to srew up my academic life just yet! SHIYAN MUST TRY TO BALANCE OUT. tsktsk. :P


jiayou.
ilovemyOMgroupforeverandever
we rock
we stone
we shi tou

<<3333

Together. 8:55 PM

woahwoah. this period's REALLY hectic for me. it's C.R.A.Z.Y. OM SINGAPORE. HATFUL OF STARS II. GOSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. i really have no idea where to put my focus on. both equally i guess. but it's so impossible to do so lah! haiyo. keep getting scolded by mr rag and screwing up all my items this few days. ARGH. my mind's super messed up. i chiong here and chiong there. missing ALLLLL the lunch pracs. can die please. screwed.screwed. then when i actually reach for dance i'm so super tired that my brain stops functioning so it totally shuts off and all the more i get ranted at. oh welll. expected. what to do lah. i can't have both sides of the world. hmmmmm. lets see. i'll just have to compromise something. can't expect to be like chao pro in everything. argh. but i hate getting scolded by teachers. i shall CONCENTRATEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEee. concentrate lee shi yan. focuss. jiayous. left school at 7.40pm today after doing OM. and had cca which ended early. super scary can. then had dinner at HC poolside cafe with OM members xD reached home at 9.15pm? LOLLLL. super tiring. i feeeeeeeeeel like CONKING OUT. ohwell

<3 shiyan

Together. 10:27 PM

CLOCK! ;