GAH. can't do my math till i get this off my chest >.<
so it happens that everytime you gain something,
you'll lose another.
Maybe it's just me, just me that i strive for almost excellence in everything i do and every side of my self development [i sound cheem hoh]. I want to be good at this, be good at that, be good at this and that and everything. well. of course the more significant stuff are like dance, studies and 'uh hmm' [i guess pple who know me well would know]. yes. and this year, everything seems to clash.. i'm ALWAYS caught in dilemmas, i have NO idea why. i always have to end up giving up something just to do another. and most of the time, of course, i would have to get my priorities right. and it ain't fun. thus i conclude that's the challenging part of life, ain't it. but i hate this challenge. it makes me exasperated; leaves me at my wits end. and when all seems well at one side, i lose the other. and the other happens to be equally important. maybe i'm just an indecisive person, but i really don't think so this time. it's happening too many times. my life's messed up this year, really. it really is. was telling le ting just a LITTLE about how i really felt this year and i almost teared. i'm bursting to tell someone, and i obviously tried [cos i can NEVER really keep many things to myself], but i don't think she really gets it. and it's not her fault. can't blame her. and i can even feel it myself that i ain't able to really let go of my feelings. we'll just end up indirectly affecting each other. LOL. and btw my problem ain't friendship ((: hah. i have wonderful friends that i got to know better this year :D
my life's REAL messed up, and i can totally sense that i'm losing myself. the TRUE me. i'm not depressed. just always subjected to thinking too much on my part. it's not THAT bad either. blogging's just a medium where i can let my hair down and yea, express myself. my real troubles. i don't think i've completely lost myself either.. and i really hope i'll gain my true self back again. maybe this period's really too stressful. i can't see where i can put equal effort and emphasis on everything. dance. OM. studies. _________. as my sister always goes. "detach". but i can't make myself do so. it's not in me. it really, really isn't.
you have no idea how much stress you've indirectly inflicted on me. and it isn't your fault, either. i've indirectly raised expectations of myself. and happen to always, obviously, fail my expectations. it gets me all insecured. and i start to lose myself. i'm not going crazy, don't worry. sometimes i'll suddenly start to realise it ain't just about myself. i'm already VERY lucky. dancing with D'artistes [children with down syndrome] really taught me A LOT. it made me see many things. in a whole new perspective. why are they so happy? am why am i not? shouldn't i be contented? well, it definitely set me off thinking.
okay i shan't continue. i've got to do math! and then i'll sleep early. to prevent myself from falling asleep in class so frequently. i'm screwing up my life!
when will this ever end?would i really, be given a chance?i'm doubtful.
Together. 8:46 PM
