yo! yesterday was a MAD day. really MAD MAD MADly tiring day. had dance from 8am to 2pm with no break at all. and then at 2 i RUSHED like a mad dog to do OM. hhaha nice and kind mr nick ng bought 4 tubs of ben and jerry's ice cream for us can. 4 bottles of coke also lah! was so shocked when i chionged all the way up and sally stuffed this spoonful of cold and yummy ice cream into my mouth [just when i was so thirsty!] hahah yummmmmmmmm. but it got really tiring. and i've got like 5 blue blacks on my knee now due to OM. cos i happen to suppose to be this really crazy person who goes a little crazy, jumps up and lands on the floor to buy her spider. oh welll. no one would understand except my dear om members, and of course our mentor. woah as mr nick ng went through the things that would happen on the day, he made it sound so serious and freaky lah. what about not being able to talk about the question for hours until the whole thing is over. D: i'm freaked can. but ohhh welllllllllllllllll. had a bad day at dance though. screwed up most of my items especially tribal just because i missed ONE day of dance due to CIP! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH. was the laggest can. and someone they were filming so i really wonder if i've been captured with my lost face! ahhh it would be super embarrassing if they put it up D: urghhh. was so stupid. really lah messed up so many things. oh well. there are always ups and downs :D okay going to alicia's house to do math sia soon! :D TATA~
OHOH! i forgot to mention! we did OM until like 7pm. and the staircases were all locked. we were freaking out can! luckily yi jia the experienced one told us how to escape.. phewww.
<33 shiyan
Together. 8:59 AM
GAH. can't do my math till i get this off my chest >.<
so it happens that everytime you gain something,
you'll lose another.
Maybe it's just me, just me that i strive for almost excellence in everything i do and every side of my self development [i sound cheem hoh]. I want to be good at this, be good at that, be good at this and that and everything. well. of course the more significant stuff are like dance, studies and 'uh hmm' [i guess pple who know me well would know]. yes. and this year, everything seems to clash.. i'm ALWAYS caught in dilemmas, i have NO idea why. i always have to end up giving up something just to do another. and most of the time, of course, i would have to get my priorities right. and it ain't fun. thus i conclude that's the challenging part of life, ain't it. but i hate this challenge. it makes me exasperated; leaves me at my wits end. and when all seems well at one side, i lose the other. and the other happens to be equally important. maybe i'm just an indecisive person, but i really don't think so this time. it's happening too many times. my life's messed up this year, really. it really is. was telling le ting just a LITTLE about how i really felt this year and i almost teared. i'm bursting to tell someone, and i obviously tried [cos i can NEVER really keep many things to myself], but i don't think she really gets it. and it's not her fault. can't blame her. and i can even feel it myself that i ain't able to really let go of my feelings. we'll just end up indirectly affecting each other. LOL. and btw my problem ain't friendship ((: hah. i have wonderful friends that i got to know better this year :D
my life's REAL messed up, and i can totally sense that i'm losing myself. the TRUE me. i'm not depressed. just always subjected to thinking too much on my part. it's not THAT bad either. blogging's just a medium where i can let my hair down and yea, express myself. my real troubles. i don't think i've completely lost myself either.. and i really hope i'll gain my true self back again. maybe this period's really too stressful. i can't see where i can put equal effort and emphasis on everything. dance. OM. studies. _________. as my sister always goes. "detach". but i can't make myself do so. it's not in me. it really, really isn't.
you have no idea how much stress you've indirectly inflicted on me. and it isn't your fault, either. i've indirectly raised expectations of myself. and happen to always, obviously, fail my expectations. it gets me all insecured. and i start to lose myself. i'm not going crazy, don't worry. sometimes i'll suddenly start to realise it ain't just about myself. i'm already VERY lucky. dancing with D'artistes [children with down syndrome] really taught me A LOT. it made me see many things. in a whole new perspective. why are they so happy? am why am i not? shouldn't i be contented? well, it definitely set me off thinking.
okay i shan't continue. i've got to do math! and then i'll sleep early. to prevent myself from falling asleep in class so frequently. i'm screwing up my life!
when will this ever end?would i really, be given a chance?i'm doubtful.
Together. 8:46 PM
gosh. i'm seriously in love with this photo! (MD has taken up most of my life recently :D) i'm glad! <3333
hey. i think OM has really mentally and physically exhausted me :O -pants-
anyway. hah. i sound spastic. oh wells :/
got back our chinese paper math paper and geog quiz today. CHINESE. HAH. nevermind. expected anyway. i did badly D: oh wells. what can i do? i shall take up tuition once everything settles down. when production is over. when OM singapore is over. when what i want to achieve is over.yep. and hopefully that's soon. i'm pleased with my math though! haha (((((: didn't make REAL careless mistakes. YAY((: ahahahaha. so happy (: as in i'm not bragging lah. just that i've never had ANY confidence in my math D: i'll always lose more than ten marks to careless mistakes so this time's a great achievement! i shal continue working hard then! yay(: and the geog quiz was not bad too; hahahhaa. just my C.H.I.N.E.S.E. i'll SERIOUSLY consider tuition. like REALLY.
anyway. hope sally and the other M.O pple would get over this dilemma soon! the school's really horrid, don't you think? TSK. why must they do this to them lah!
as more days pass... my chances...are lower.OH WELL! :/
Together. 9:40 PM
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY DEAREST LE TING! haha (: may we always be friends forever <333 hope you'll always be my listening ear ... thank you for always cheering me up when i need it! :D <333
(sweeet. but sophia isn't here!! D:)
(were acting like freakin bimbos. HAHA XD)
hahha we were performing at jurong east don't know blk something something for some toh guan thing or something. lol bet i got all my facts mixed up((: hahaha. anyway. it was kinda an experience cos there was practically no teachers there to help us. we put on make up ourselves lah can you believe it. when the chinese dancers who comprised SEC THREE AND FOUR seniors had moral support from chen li li lao shi. but nvm we learnt quite a bit as only sec 2s on our own. don't blame our intructor lah. he's far too busy to be bothered with us. but anyway (: haha xD it was .... HMMM... we got scolded like crap during rehearsals cos obviously we thought we didn't have to full out. right so when we finished the REAL thing. i'm not sure if the teachers we speaking the truth lah but they said it was quite good. much better than the morning's one. hah. anyway we camwhored after that when we reached school. haha. LOLLL. you must be thinking we're bimbos but we're really not lah. we're forced into the mould cos of the TYPE OF COSTUMES we were required to wear. aiyo super bimbo lah we were complaining like crazy. all with the super DUPER short skirts and stuff D: HORRID! and about the camwhoring part haha(: i guess we'd all wanted more batch photos but sadly couldn't complete it cos sophia left early.. which is VERY. VERY sad. we haven't gotten a complete batch photo yet. sighs. haha(: i think i'm really quite irritating. oh well.. :/ :D
Had OM after that. hmmm it went quite well lah just that we still have got many things to do.
went to grandparent's house at 6th Ave.haha had nice nice food (: then we were being lame cos we finally had a whole family sitting in the car (culprit me cos i'm always like not at home during to.. ehmm prior stress) and went for Macs drive thru at KAP. i got the 60 cents ice cream cos i need to grow fatter, my sis got a mac flurry and my bro got his nuggets. hahha(:
maybe this is really just my fate-- maybe, it's really just what's best for me.
Together. 11:22 AM
hey world. the only happy thing today is that i'll be going for batch movie stepup2 later; hohoho. :D i heard it isn't nice just the dance part. oh well. GAH, i can't make myself not think about it. it's just like at the back of my mind slowly crawling towards my nerves and soon it'll cause a sharp pain. am i just thinking too much? AGAIN? sigh... why is it like that. i always have drastic mood swings hhaahaaa. i can't wait to change seats just that i'll definitely miss mari's hilarious company during lesson time where we wallow in self pity together at our math and laughing at everything that's funny during home econs and science. haha. and of course my other table mate jaslyn! :D hahaha i'll DEFINITELY DEFNITELY miss her help during math lesson. though i don't really talk much to her which makes me feel very very bad. only during math lesson i'll talk the most to her cos most of the time i'll be asking her questions. LOL. but i'm also looking forward to sitting beside le ting. LOl though yes i THINK we know each other considerably well we haven't exactly sat beside each other before. ahaha. i need to buy birthday presents for my my mortal, shan ping, tammie, le ting. haha two belated ones.
i've been thinking. sometimes i really want time to sit back and breathe and yet i know from the bottom of my heart that i also don't actually want to be all too free. i want to be active and participate. and do the stuff that i really like to do. but would i be given the chance to? it doesn't seem so anymore. and that's making me really insecure and worried. sigh. it's like you know what you really really want but you know there's a total 50% that you wouldn't even get the first chance to even try for it. you've actually been given false hope. and have lost almost 90% of my self assurance. sigh.
but as sally post just said. learn to treasure what you already have. you'll never realised it until you've been taken away from it. i'll learn to treasure what i already have. and well...
let's just leave it to fate to decide.
Together. 10:23 AM
GAH i feel troubled all over again. Everything's making me frustrated. irritated. troubled. worried. and i'm not sure if i'm just thinking too much again. it's making me feel insecure ALL OVER AGAIN. i'm not sure. i'm uncertain. i'm insecure. i hate being insecure. totally hate it. why must things always be so unsure for me. i never know what's giong to happen. things don't come to me smoothly. there's always something that comes in between which makes me feel very unsure of myself. very insecure. very uncertain. and in the end, i stop being true to myself. i stop even being myself. just to work towards what i want. it's unbearable, it's oppresive. and i hate myself for it. i can sense it. it sucks. it really does. but i can't help it. everyone says it's part and parcel of life. but is this what i must go through EVERYTIME? uncertainties? unsureness? it's terrible and i can't take it anymore.
stress has been building up on me. and i can hardly stand up straight anymore. i'm like losing TONS of weight and everyone says that my face looks sunken and that i'm a bag of bones. sigh.. with OM singapore, it's really crazy. and on top of that i've got HFOS II --production. sigh. my schedule's super super tight. there's still calligraphy. i'm supposed to write a piece to hand in but i just don't feel like it. ithink my interest is going downhill. hardly have a day to even sit down. and BREATHE. urgh. horrid.
guess i shan't describe how horrid i felt during cca today. shan't say. it ain't nice to hear and remember. but well just one sentence. If they just thought about their actions. it's not that we don't want to. it's that we're not able to bring ourselves to.
OM. sigh OM. it's really sad cos i sense the rapport degenarating. it ain't strong. i shan't say it. it's not nice to the ears. we are really losing our closeness. our bond. and of course our rapport. i mean rapport is soo impt and i think we're losing it. lack of communication etc. it's all showing. aren't we supposed to have fun?
BLOCK TESTS ended today. i went really crazy after math lah, was laughing like CRAPP. and i mean i felt super happy then. LOL. i'm supposed to be very happy now. but i don't feel it at all. urgh this is horrid.
maybe i'm just not meant to be one.
Together. 8:24 PM
HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY SALLY! my dearest, my lover, my darling, my dearie. HOHO. i'm not les. really. but i do love you a lot and wish you all the best and think that you are the greatest greatest leader <3333>
okay. first. LSC was quite xian. and that was quite sad. really quite sad. anw but i think it was the first time i cheered like crazy. i mean oh wow. i swear i shouted my hearts out. i didn't care. i was crazily in love with 203. :D hoho. though the night trail didn't turn out as well as we expected it to be, we know we put in so much effort. we shan't care about others. we did so much and we know it :D especially darling sally. oh my. cried that night after everything. felt so bad. felt so guilty that i made sally so embarrassed. was sobbing and hugging leting. then sobbed and hugged sally who didn't feel like hugging me which made me feel ten times worse. then sobbed for at least 2-3 min into jo's arms. like a baby i swear i was like omg. crying like helllll. she felt like my mum :D thanks jo :D i love you :D then hugged jesslene :D and sobbed for a min :D thank you peeps :D AND SORRY SALLY. i did not not want to go out. it was chaotic. i didnt know when to come out. and it was like D: and that po
OMG OMG OMG OGM OMG OGM OMG i just typed my whole post and it disappeared! WHATTHE HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL.
and at that point there were no instructions given and i knew we were supposed to initiated but yah, i learnt that nothing will be smooth if we don't prepare before hand and rehearse. yes so after that we just went out. and we were screamign like hell. we didn't know what we were doing. but we tried our very very very best. it was like D: but yes, we were very proud of ourselves. not until some people told us how we made sally feel so embarrassed that we felt so lousy. i mean we really tried. and it was not that we didn't want to come out. we knew we knew ir wasn't our fault but they made us feel sooooo bad. like. OKAY. shan't say. sorry sally.
DRAMA! hahaha. hahahah eheheheheheheh hahahahahahahaha. drama! hohoho i was made JAKE LONG -.- the main characteer and i was really unsure of myself. then on stage i was trying my super best and screaming and shouting like never before :D ohohho :D and we received special commendations! HOHOHOHO. the judges were praising us to the skies laH! hohohoho. i learnt that an event wouldn't be successful if it doesn't try to appeal and interest and relate to the audience. at first our script was quite incoherent. yes. i knew it wouldn't work out but didn't know and dare to change it in case i offend. but yes, i know everyone tried their best and thank you mari and steph and heng yeng. i had been trying unsuccessfully to get people to support me in changing the script until the first day of camp after amazing race we were waiting and in the bus i could take it anymore. yes. so i was editing the script and dearest pauline and yanni helped me :D aAWWW . :D i realised i got to know pauline a lot better after the camp. we were tying the boundaries for the night trail etc together.. and trying to sort things out :D anyway. yes. so pauline typed out the edited script then i proposed the idea to the class then we immediately arranged and completed only in one and a half hours! WOOOHOOOO. hahahahhahaa. i love everybody :) and thanks supporters. wouldn't have done it w/o you guys :D you must involve the class in order to make everyone like the event :D
anyway. WE GOT IN FOR OM. omg the day they announced over the P.A system i was like tearing inside when they saidd the group from 2..0... i was like OMG OMG OMGO MG. and when they said that group from 203 three i was like screaming like hell and hugging all my OM members :D ohohohoho :Dhehehehehee. yay. but we're feeling the stress now. have Hatful of Stars two and had cca and have cca coming mon, wed, thurs fri and sat. stilll have to meet for OM. omg how am i going to commit equally. sure die for block tests on the first week lah! somemore must meet our mentor everyday once school term starts again D; oh well.
LSC was okay, was screaming my hearts out during the cheers. hohoho :) i love our cheeerrrrrrrrr! :)
am i being my true self? i'm not sure. would i be able to live the life i lead last year? would i be given more chances? or would i have to just sit out. and stare? i have not idea. oh well. [i'm not being emo. just thinking.]
<33>
Together. 7:30 PM
HAHAHHAAHA it's officially FIRST OF MARCH. lalalalalalalala! hahahahahahha! it's my special day! but it doesn't seem quite special now though. no birthday mood D: LOL it felt like it was my birthday yesterday! like yesterday all super high with everyone who made me feel so special :D AWWWW :D you guys are daaaaaaa best :D:D:D:D:D:D:D <33333333 anyway,today went to watch 'L' with mari, sally, pauline and rie! HAHAHAHA. it was GOOOOOOOOOOOD. i mean me and sally cried like crap lah. at some parts so super touching lor! why must he die :'( ANYWAY. there were parts that were super jing1 cai3. hohohohoho. like we covered our eyes and ears etc D:oh yes and i forgot to mention in my last post that me, sally, mari and jesslene went out for dinner together yest. hoho we ate at lame coro cos we didn't know where to go. some lame prince restaurant thing. LOL the food was.... hmm shan't say. but WE WERE ZI-HIGHING like crap. hahaahhahahahahaa. felt super good. LAUGH LAUGH :D hahehhahehahe hope it'll feel more like my birthday soon at the party then! :D
<33 shiyan
Together. 3:00 PM
